Are you sure?

By Marlon Hatcher

March 26, 2022

Chapter 1

Takes two.

I didn’t think that I’d be sitting here. It was only a matter of time. Looking back at it, I should’ve seen this coming. There were signs, yet I ignored them. Now look at me. Wondering if I’ll ever get better. Praying to whatever God that’ll hear me out first, to help me. Once I realized my prayers were falling on deaf ears, something had to change. I had to. Otherwise–

“Sir?” 

I jumped at the receptionist's eloquent voice. Forgot where I was for a moment and it showed rather vividly. 

“Y-yes?” I said frantically.

“The Doctor will see you now. Room 125.” The Receptionist said.

I got up from my seat and walked past the counter where the Receptionist was residing. I stopped in the doorway to catch a glimpse of the front desk’s secretary on her phone. Her long curly hair covered the sides of her elegant face. Dark bags laid under her alluring dark-brown eyes, causing me to wonder when the last time she had any sleep. The Receptionist wore an all white uniform that complimented her physique in all the right ways. I couldn’t stop admiring her beauty. I didn’t want to stop. 

“It’s down the hall, make a right once you get to the end.” She said.

“R-right.” I said. 

I journeyed to the end of the hall, marveling at the pieces of art that decorated it on my way there. Abstract pieces full of color and shapes hung on the rose gold colored walls. Ornaments along with furniture were placed carefully to complement the interior’s design. Even the wooden doors had gold placards with numbers engraved on them. I made it to the end of the hall to see two paths converge in opposite directions. Following the Receptionist's instructions, I followed the right path until I found the Doctor’s room. “Room 125” was displayed on the shining placard. As I went to open the door, I began to feel crippling anxiety well up inside of me. I nearly fell to my knees because of how heavy my body suddenly felt. I need to go, I can’t stay here. This is too much for me to handle. How could I ever want change, if I can’t even open the door that’ll lead to that change. I’ll just runway like I always do. It’s better this way. I began to back away from the door, yet it suddenly swung open, almost colliding with me. Stood before me in the doorway was a woman dressed in a black dress holding what looked to be a clipboard. She stared into my eyes and all I can feel is a sense of harsh judgment being placed upon me. The equivalent of this sensation is that of a benevolent God condemning his strongest believer that has now become lost. Did she see something within my eyes that showed her everything? My irrefutably despicable past? Perhaps the path I’m currently traversing to my inevitable doom? Maybe–

“Sir?” She softly spoke, her voice bellowing within my head causing me to snap back to reality. I greeted her with a forced smile. But her bright smile was genuine which made me feel horrible. She beckoned me to enter her office and I followed. Inside her porcelain white office were two black chairs that faced each other a few feet apart. It looks as though time doesn’t affect this place nor did it feel like it ever had. The more I stood in this place, the more my mind wandered adrift trying to search for something worth residing in. The Doctor gestured to me to sit down in one of the chairs. I hesitated, but accepted her offer. I sat on one of the chairs while she gathered more paperwork from her oval shaped desk. The way she moved around her office was almost hypnotic. I saw no sense of urgency from her movements, yet, it still felt as though she shifted from place to place in an instant. Calm, fluid motions, causing me to follow her every move. What felt like a millennium passing by all at once, the Doctor finally sat in the chair in front of me. She crossed her legs subtly hoping I wouldn’t notice. She should know better.

“What brings you here today?” She asked.

“To tell you what should’ve been said a long time ago.  I love you. I always have and I always will.”

The Doctor’s expression changed from a caring caretaker to a fearful shock instantaneously. She was too stunned to speak, so I kept talking.

“I’ve loved you for so, so long. Craving your entire being has felt like a fervid fever dream that’s been unrequited since I saw you. I’d rather perish than to not let you know the full extent of my yearning for you.” I said. The look she gave me was dazed and confused. However, she regained her composure quickly. 

“I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about. For instance, how are you sure you love me? I can understand attraction and even lust, but I think love is rather strong here.” The Doctor said as she began writing notes on her clipboard. 

“I’ve known what love is since I first felt my Mother’s embrace. That warm blissful feeling I’ve only felt a handful of times in my life. Not all of them were from her. But when I look into your dark brown eyes, I feel that same feeling effortlessly. I know what love feels like. I want you to know what my love feels like too.” I said. The Doctor shifted herself on her seat slightly trying to not show that my words had any effect on her. You can’t fool me, I know you better than any man that you’ve been with. You’ll understand why, I’ll show you. The Doctor looked me in the eyes with intense passion and said “Tell me more.”

Chapter 2

Iridescent love.

Silence filled the air, making time feel like it’s at a standstill. I waited patiently for the Doctor to finish writing in her notes before proceeding. I need her full undivided attention when I speak, for I will not repeat myself a second time. She brought her head up from the clipboard and examined me from head to toe. Maybe looking for dishonest tics thinking my words hold no merit. You’re wasting your time, I’ve never felt so sure about anything in my life until now.

“What do you love about me?” She asked.

“Everything.” I said. The Doctor laughs and shakes her head. She looked unimpressed. 

“That's rather broad of you to say. To say you love everything about me is to say you love everything that comes with me, both good and downright bad. It’s impossible to love everything about someone. You should know that better than anyone.” The Doctor said condescendingly. I laughed and shook my head. She asked what I was laughing about. I pointed at her desk. 

“I love the fact that you have a motivational picture hanging on the wall, reminding you of what's important when you’re at work. You also have a name plate on your desk that has your name and under it HBIC in big bold letters. Letting people know when they walk into your office that even though you’re super professional at what you do, they can see you’re still human and reachable.”

The Doctor places the clipboard on the ground next to her and stands up. She walked over to her desk and sat on top of it, her legs dangling from the ground. I watched her legs swing from side to side with elegance. 

“That still doesn’t explain how you love everything about me. You just love the office and my desk.” She said.

“When you love everything about a person, of course you love that entire person. That also means you love everything they interact with. I love this entire office because you had something to do with it. From the desk placement, to the tiles your feet walk upon, I feel strongly about everything you do, not just only you. Even things I would never care about, I care about now as a result of how I feel about you. You think I care about coming here? I’m only here to see you. To be in the same space as you. That's enough to make me happy.” I said. She gave me a long glaring stare that ended with a soft sigh. The Doctor looked puzzled, unsure what to say. I’ve never seen her like this before. 

“You said you’ve loved me for so long. How? I’ve only known you for a short while.” She said. I nodded and smiled.

“8 years is a short while? It probably is, in the grand scheme of things.” I said.

“Just because we’ve known about each other for 8 years, doesn’t mean we knew each other for that same amount of time.” The Doctor said with vicious conviction. I could tell this conversation isn’t something she wanted to have today, yet nevertheless it must be said.

“Even so, I still feel that beautiful feeling. I felt it since I first met you and I still feel it now. It's been kept alive because I made it so.” I said.

“I still don’t understand.” She said.

“What don’t you understand?”

The Doctor walked back to the chair, picked up the clipboard and began scanning its entirety. Finding what she was searching for, she starts twirling the one single curl that wasn’t pulled into her hair bun. 

“Right now you’re single, correct?” She asked.

“Yeah.” I said looking up at her.

“How do you know you’re not trying to be with me cause you feel you might as well be? Kind of like you’re settling.” 

I looked at her with a raised brow, not sure how she came to that conclusion. Still, I’m sure she’s just trying to make sense out of all this.

“If that was the case, wouldn’t I have tried earlier then? It wouldn’t have taken 8 years for me to do that. No one in their right mind would’ve waited this long to do that.” I said. I’ve felt this way for so long, the thought of waiting this long to just now settle is madness. And company will tell you that’s just as insane. The Doctor finally decides to sit down in her chair. She crosses her legs except this time it's more visible, showing a hint of irritation.

“Okay, despite everything you’ve said, I’m still not sure how you see us, if we were together.” She said. 

I quickly shot up from my chair, catching the Doctor by surprise. I walked over to where she was sitting and extended my hand out to touch her face. I expected her to swat my hand away for not getting her permission first. Yet there I was, astonished by what was happening. My hand was caressing her lovely soft cheek. The fact she was just letting me do as I please, is what gave me even more joy. I brought my face closer to hers to the point where we were eye level, only a few inches away from one another. She smelt heavenly. Her natural scent was a mix of a romantic lavender that had a hint of vanilla and coconut. I noticed her hair was damp, shining with a fragrance of shea. The things I would do to this woman began circling within my mind, causing me to spiral with those thoughts. I have to remain focused. 

“I see us like this. Close, but not to the point where we’re suffocating each other. Getting lost in each other's eyes, not knowing how to get back to where we were before. Not caring either way. Embracing each other. Comforting, caring for one another, and everything that comes with that. I want you to know that’s what I crave. I crave you so much.” I said softly. Her face felt really hot. She removed my hand from her face and I smiled. 

“Please go sit down.” She said. I did what she requested me to do. Looking at her the whole time I did.

“I feel like you might just be doing this for attention. Given your circumstances.” The Doctor said. I shook my head in disagreement.

“I don’t need attention. I’m fine with it or without it. I just want yours.” I said.

“Okay we’re done here.” She said while gathering all her notes

“What? I just want to take care of you. Why won’t you let me?” I asked.

“Do you hear yourself? I didn’t know you felt like this from the beginning! This is too much. Also I’ve been in a couple relationships since we met. You know that don’t you? Which means you have to have some negative feelings towards that.” The Doctor exclaimed. She’s right, I saw her with a couple of guys over the years. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt some way about it. But I won’t let that feeling get the best of me. Whatever happened between us before and now, even the moments that didn’t involve me, I don’t care. None of that matters anymore.

“Not anymore. I want you and everything that comes with you. Everything you desire, I desire.” 

“And you’re okay with that? You have your own life to live. You don’t understand how much it’s going to take of you.” She said. 

“I’m fine with that. I am willing to give you all of me and more, with no hesitation.” I said. 

“You’re really serious.” 

I nodded.

“O-okay, even if you’re serious and mean everything you say, are you going to always be like that?” The Doctor asked. I noticed her voice began to flutter. It went from sounding so secure and sure, to what can be considered whining. So… cute.

“I’m going to show you that I always will want more. I’m never satisfied with just enough, like I’m hungry for more.” I said.

The way she reacted to that was unusual from what I’ve seen so far. She threw the clipboard across the room and let out a loud cry that reverberated throughout the office. What’s even stranger is that no one came to check what was going on. It felt like we were the only two in the building. The Doctor then pulls the hair tie that kept her hair bun in place, causing her curly hair to come flowing down. The mood of the office changed just like her eyes. I sensed a challenging aura emanating from them.

Chapter 3

Lord.

The air feels different now. Before, I knew what I came to do when I walked in. I knew from the beginning what I desired. Truly did my best to stick to the plan, yet, nothing could’ve prepared me for what's about to happen now. The once cool, harmonious Doctor has become more fierce in the blink of an eye. Whatever she says now, I must not falter. I know what must be done.

“Do you want to know something?” The Doctor asked aggressively.

“Go ahead.” I said.

“I get bored really easily… most of my relationships ended with me just getting over the guy. They couldn’t satisfy my needs and desires. How are you going to be different? What makes you so different from them?”

“I’ve been watching you since we were 18 years old. Learning you, studying your interests, trying to figure you out. Now, 8 years later, I’m finally telling you the conclusion I came up with. You love to be free. That freedom to go on an adventure whenever you see fit drives your ambition. That same drive causes you to want things, a lot of things that aren’t necessarily impossible to obtain. Those boys couldn’t give you that. They were boys, and could never handle a Woman of your caliber. I’m the Man that knows exactly what you need. I’ll give you more than you’ve been asking for. More than what you’ve been searching for. Everything.”

Hesitation. She just hesitated. What happened to all that confidence? Why are you stuck? Don’t worry, I’ll bring you back.

“I want to provide for us. I’ve been hustling and grinding since I can remember. I know you’ve been too. All you’re trying to do is live well and do good. It’s a lot. You’re a lot. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s why I found you so attractive. I want all of it.” I said.

“Wh-why are you so attracted to me? Is it just my looks?” She asked.

“Everything. From the way you think to how you walk, is beautiful. You’re not just beautiful to me, you make things beautiful as well. I wouldn’t have found the world fascinating if I never met you.”

Even with her lustrous dark skin, I can tell she’s blushing. She's trying to bury her face in her hands to avoid me noticing. You gotta be quicker than that.

“Listen, I get it. You really do love me. And my heart is beating really, really fast. It’s so much. This feeling in my heart, it's so much. I don’t know what to think.” The Doctor said rubbing her head.

“Are you feeling what I’ve been feeling for so long? That feeling that this is it?” I asked.

She stared at me with mild contempt. 

“This is it? Are you serious? Aren’t you just starting something new with your life?” She questioned.

“I am. And I want you to be a part of this new chapter in my life.”

“How do you know your future wife isn’t just out there looking for you?”

“Because she’s been in front of me this whole time.”

The Doctor got up from her seat. I got up from my seat. Now we’re both just standing here, eyes interlocked with each other. 

“If I mean so much to you, won’t you just hate me if this doesn’t work out?” She asked. I shrugged.

“I would never know if it never happens.” I said

“I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.” She said.

“My humor isn’t the best, so I’m not surprised. But I’m more than okay with you not getting my jokes.”

The Doctor took a deep breath and held it in for a few seconds.

“What's wrong?” I asked.

“I’m not mentally and physically in a place where your average woman at my age is. Do you get that? Then when it doesn’t work out, you’ll never be able to look at me. You’ll just see the pain I would’ve caused you. Also, how do you know you’re not just being lustful and looking for sex? I can’t do this.” She whined. I moved in closer to her. We were a few inches away from our bodies touching. I could feel warmth emanating from her. I wanted to feel more, so I hugged her. 

“Why me?” She said as tears flowed down her face.

“Because, it’s always been you. It always will be.”

I know you’re not in a place where you don’t want to be. That’s fine. You want more and it’s okay to want more. I get it. I still love you and want you, regardless of anything. I have no doubt in my mind that I’ll still look at you the same way I have been since I first saw you. It’s more than just wanting your body. I want you, all of you. Forever.